Standing on the outside looking in

Posted: September 10, 2013 in General

When I was a little girl I wanted the whole world at my finger tips as most young girls I was prepared to grab the tiger by the tail so to speak, it took forever to reach my 13th birthday so I could be called a teenager and finally be able to wear a very light shade of lip stick (lip gloss with just a hint of color), my mother had always made sure us girl’s (my sister and I) knew how to iron our own clothes,and always told us as I think most mothers did to never go out without a fresh pair of underwear on, I never really thought much about that statement until later in life it was just something my mother would always ask me before church, school, or any time it was out the front door, doing the last final check to make sure a young lady to be was presentable in the outside world.

I wanted to be pretty and I always thought I was not bad looking but in my eyes all the ugly girls always got the good looking guys or that is how I perceived it anyways, I could never understand why it always felt like I was on the outside looking in through a window when it came to meeting perspective boyfriends or even friends for that matter. I was not shy but would never make the first contact either I felt like that if they liked me they would strike up a conversation or at least speak in passing to give me an indication they might want to talk or hang out then I would join in but I was never ask to join or hang out first, after the ice was broken then every thing would be fine. I also seemed to steer towards the less fortunate students or the under dogs as we called it, I hated it when others made fun off them and felt it was just wrong so I always stepped in to say “get lost” I could be bold when I felt I needed to be and as we all know kids can be brutal, mean and even cruel, it wasn’t going to happen if I was around. I always would talk to them because I felt bad that they never had any one who would talk to them even if it was just to say hi. Did the other students judge me for that? yes I think they did, later as an adult I did run across a woman I knew in school she was shy but I didn’t know that at the time said to me “I always wanted to be like you” she began telling me all the things she had admired about me and said that other students felt the same way.(what a surprise that was to hear)

When I was a young adult I tried being the life of the party but soon faced the fact that I was not having fun so I quit that, I was not a party girl. I would see and hear stuff from people back stabbing each other and playing both sides of the fence with those that was suppose to be their friends, gossip, and spread untrue rumors and knew that scene was not for me either. This was my first step in separating myself from life’s bull shit. I was raised to know that a husband and wife was married for life no matter what, and thought that boyfriends was suppose to be faithful too and when it started going south two people was suppose to talk it out and if found the relationship was over then both walk away not with bitter regret but an understanding that the relationship was not meant to be and respect it for that, no anger, hostility, or harsh words.

I am very sensitive to people’s aura and soon found very little I liked about being around a crowd of people, some folks I just can’t stand in the same room or area with them they just don’t feel right or they feel bad giving off something but never knowing what it is. Do I need help? am I the one who is going off the deep end? depression? no I don’t think so, I just found I don’t like people but in very small doses and very short time periods, after that I have to go. Thank goodness for the internet, I can be social with folks and when I have had enough I can turn them off, I like solitude and being secluded from the world, I am part of this world but not off it. I hate what is going on in this world, people places and things are not as they should be, when you take God out of the schools, government, and let others claim they was offended by God’s children then there is no room for me in their world (not that I wanted to be with them in their world any ways).

I enjoy social activities in very small doses and love my solitude, I can also stay inside my house for days and never so much as walk outside but hey! that’s just who I am, I like who I am, this works for me and in my opinion that is all that matters.

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Comments
  1. jamesmessick says:

    Thanks. These rare glimpses you give into your history are always interesting and insightful.

  2. Gayle says:

    I don’t know if that is a good thing or a bad thing, I really am not sure if when others read my stuff if they are getting what I intended for them to get

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